The second one

I'm not a good story teller and even my writing is a C+ but I seem to communicate better through words written than spoken. The last four days of this life with two sons has been so transforming and deserves a special note. I haven't mentioned it to anyone because it's so dear to me, it hurts. I prayed every single day the past few months against fear of birth and mostly fear of after birth. I had an incredibly difficult time with my first baby. There isn't one thing that made it so hard. The collection of events, feelings, physical work and emotions were too much for one person. I don't regret how I took care of him. I pretended to enjoy it, I pretended to know what I was doing and I did everything I was suppose to for him. In fact, as badly he had off with a mother that didn't know what she was doing, I showed him love more than anyone. I pushed through it for him only. I was the only mother he had so I did how I thought best, despite how badly I just wanted to run away from the life I had. This is the part I can't say out loud without breaking down into a horomone filled ball of tears... My labor went better than I expected. It hurt so badly and I think I may have traumatized myself but even the trauma seemed right and good. When they put Oliver on my belly, it was as if I was put into a time machine. The first day with him, I called him Emery five times, he looked so much like him. I still look at him and it creeps me out how similar their features are. I'm sure he will later resemble a unique person but considering how different my husband and I look, it seems so unusual. Then that night, I realized God's gift to me was a baby that looked so much like my first so I could use these sweet, precious memories to replace all the bad ones. My dad said when I was little I would say, "when I'm a mommy, I'm going to..." This sweet little one is my second chance to mother a newborn the way I wanted to. I'm thankful for dear friends and family who will make sure that happens and fight against the possibility of depression. I'm thankful for friends who encourage me to take a vacation so I can care for my two boys. I'm thankful for Anna Worley who threatens to install security cameras in my house so she can make sure I don't over do it. I'm thankful for my graduate school who totally excused my absence during residency. I'm thankful to my parents who made meals and didn't care if I got out of bed, ate dinner, left my plate on the table and went back to bed. I'm thankful for a healthy, beautiful baby who eats and sleeps well. It's a dream I long to hold on to and is in process of replacing all the rough feelings I once had about motherhood. 

Water

I know I have been posting so much about the physical condition and maintaining it lately, but that is honestly where I am in life these days.  My family depends on me being available and ready to take care of them, so I do my best to make sure that happens for them.  I am seven months pregnant, so storing up good energy for the development of the baby as well as keeping myself healthy and being available for Emery most days is important to me. Not to mention, taking care of myself better this time around will help with postpartum issues later. I became sick with a nasty cold one week and the first thing I wanted to do was run to the drugstore and grab some Tylenol Cold to knock me out (I had trouble sleeping, which made it worse) and hopefully feel better when I woke up.  Instead I asked my midwife, who is delivering the baby, her advice.  She mentioned, "rest, chicken broth and water goes a long way." I have to admit, I still grabbed me some light cold medicine just to take at night before bed to help me sleep but her advice helped.  I have friends who have taken allergy meds every single day for months and their symptoms never resolved and also lost weight along with a grayish tone to their face.  It's  especially amazing the power of water has.  It is cleansing, energizing, removes toxins and hydrates.  Our tap water is more regulated than bottled water, so go ahead and have a glass from the faucet.  In fact, it contains a few supplements like magnisium that our bodies need.   I drink 3-4 camelbak bottles per day (750 ml each).

Happy Halloween!

The Human Race

So my cousin is an astronaut. I know, really crazy. We were watching a video someone in my family emailed of him doing an interview over the phone in space the other night. Afterwards we were talking about the percentage of the human race that has ever entered space. We looked it up and did the math and it was something like .0000001% That's only the population living today, not all people who have ever lived. We also learned after researching the numbers that the total population living today is more than has ever lived due to procreation, safety and technology advancing towards the goal of living much longer. As my friend put it, "If everyone in the world wanted to hold a human skull in their hands, they couldn't." Although longevity has increased, fertility has also declined rapidly. I don't think because one can't have a child devalues their existence in any way but I did feel a sense of choseness after hearing that since I am pregnant with my second son. It isn't as much of a miracle that the child is born healthy anymore as much as he was conceived without struggle in the first place. I wish I knew more research to find out if this is a biological happening or a Godly invention. It would be devastating to think God wouldn't choose our family to procreate so I'm going to abandon the latter. What a blessing it is to raise two beautiful boys no matter if they came from my womb or not!

The Mind vs The Body

I've learned so much about the body and mind the past few months. It connects to worldview, conflicts in a lot of situations and also is so complementary when recognized appropriately. When I say mind, I mean your spirit, your psyche, which isn't the same as your soul but is related. As for the body, I mean your physical health, physical enjoyment and physical pain. So much of our daily lives revolve around those two aspects of ourselves and how we progress. Yesterday I noticed how I abandoned my body and how it affected me. I am almost seven months pregnant so nursing myself in continued good health is more important than ever. In fact, it's a common psyche problem with women as they are pregnant and the first year of the babies life to be forced to use their bodies so much because babies rely on it so much more than any other humans. You feel like a milk factory. The baby sometimes only wants the mother because of a specific smell giving no relief or break to tired arms day and night. 

I have a routine in the morning to make myself a special pregnancy tea, a wheat grass (slightly disgusting) smoothie, drink a camelback of water, eat a big breakfast and finish my chores for the morning. Instead, I slept a little longer than I needed, I ate a scoop of peanut butter, a glass of water and went on my way (while stopping at mcdonalds). Although I had been productive all morning, my body started affecting my mind. I felt depressed and easily angry over little ticks I have that I can usually avoid. It reminded me how much my psyche relies on my body to be appropriately pampered in a period of my biology that is almost solely concerned about the survival of the child I'm carrying rather than relieving anxiety symptoms from my brain. 

My point is... The mind and body work together. It isn't always an equal partnership depending on the season of life you are in. Some seasons require three hours of reading or writing music in order to progress as a human and some seasons, like where I am currently, requires me to pay special attention to every physical symptom I have, prepare for pain and address feelings quickly. So if you tend to reject the body, don't feel guilty drinking a glass of wine or eating dessert for the pure enjoyment of it. And if you tend to reject the mind, don't feel bad about sitting and listening to music for hours or working hard on a project you are passionate about instead of cooking a healthy meal. 

When we are older

I've always had dreams or visions of the future from an early age. It may sound strange and witch-like but I honestly believe it is a gift from God. Some prophesies don't seem to have a purpose and some do. I suppose some dreams haven't been fulfilled yet and some Ill never know why. Since I was around 9 years old, I started seeing the number 911 everywhere. I mentioned it to several people. I saw it mostly in my last years of high school and my early years of college and then it just stopped. And then my sophomore year of college planes crashed into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. It still comes up on occasion. My son was born on Feb 9, 2011 (2 9 11). I also had a dream seven years ago of Jesse and I walking out of a local restaurant here in Jackson with two sons. One of them ran up to me and said "Will you tell Daddy to teach me about cars?" Then I woke up. I have one three year old boy now and another boy on the way. Those are just two of many examples of fortune telling I've had in my life. I believe God is so much bigger than we realize sometimes and he gives us more power through His Holy Spirit than we are willing to accept and admit. We have no reason to be afraid of our fate. In fact, he calls us to not be afraid of the future. Whether in the body or the mind, God infuses us with more strength and royal power than we can imagine. 

Ancestry

A few years ago when I was at the end of my pregnancy and I had nothing to do but watch Mad Men and wait, I accidentally signed up for a year subscription to ancestry.com. Since I paid for it, I figured I should use it as much as I could. Our family is very American so I found out we were related to several historical figures like Davy Crockett, Walt Whitman, and the Kennedy's. I still have all the research and I think it's so interesting to understand where your genetics come from. Although, some I've known can be a little too obsessed with the family tree and treat it like a breeding as a result of boredom. I had a friend over for lunch and it is still fascinating how people think about other people here in Jackson. I just wish I could understand how people here think that thinking a certain way about race is ok. So much of how we think determines how we choose to live, who we choose to live with and who we choose to avoid. There is this strange fear of different looking people around here. It's like everyone is still stuck trying to keep their family breed consistent, fresh and pure. It seems to be a subconscious survival mode some just can't update to 2014. Whatever it is, I'm beginning to feel like it isn't something people here are doing on purpose or thoughtlessly but an untrained psychological response to modernity. Segregation is still present without laws enforcing it. Our undeveloped minds which have been void of a software update have chosen a route seperating ourselves from those who aren't like us and the longer different people aren't sought, the more different we become and the less likely we can find commonality. We are developing two towns in one city. I'm not sure of a solution yet but I do know that for the most part, humans try to do the right things first for their family, then if they have room, for their neighbor. Sometimes the attempt to do the best thing is done the worst way. Intentions matter but thoughtfully researched intentions bring results.