The second one

I'm not a good story teller and even my writing is a C+ but I seem to communicate better through words written than spoken. The last four days of this life with two sons has been so transforming and deserves a special note. I haven't mentioned it to anyone because it's so dear to me, it hurts. I prayed every single day the past few months against fear of birth and mostly fear of after birth. I had an incredibly difficult time with my first baby. There isn't one thing that made it so hard. The collection of events, feelings, physical work and emotions were too much for one person. I don't regret how I took care of him. I pretended to enjoy it, I pretended to know what I was doing and I did everything I was suppose to for him. In fact, as badly he had off with a mother that didn't know what she was doing, I showed him love more than anyone. I pushed through it for him only. I was the only mother he had so I did how I thought best, despite how badly I just wanted to run away from the life I had. This is the part I can't say out loud without breaking down into a horomone filled ball of tears... My labor went better than I expected. It hurt so badly and I think I may have traumatized myself but even the trauma seemed right and good. When they put Oliver on my belly, it was as if I was put into a time machine. The first day with him, I called him Emery five times, he looked so much like him. I still look at him and it creeps me out how similar their features are. I'm sure he will later resemble a unique person but considering how different my husband and I look, it seems so unusual. Then that night, I realized God's gift to me was a baby that looked so much like my first so I could use these sweet, precious memories to replace all the bad ones. My dad said when I was little I would say, "when I'm a mommy, I'm going to..." This sweet little one is my second chance to mother a newborn the way I wanted to. I'm thankful for dear friends and family who will make sure that happens and fight against the possibility of depression. I'm thankful for friends who encourage me to take a vacation so I can care for my two boys. I'm thankful for Anna Worley who threatens to install security cameras in my house so she can make sure I don't over do it. I'm thankful for my graduate school who totally excused my absence during residency. I'm thankful to my parents who made meals and didn't care if I got out of bed, ate dinner, left my plate on the table and went back to bed. I'm thankful for a healthy, beautiful baby who eats and sleeps well. It's a dream I long to hold on to and is in process of replacing all the rough feelings I once had about motherhood.